Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
