he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
