I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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