sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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