She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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