I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
