The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
