Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
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Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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