# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
