Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
