Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
