I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
