i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
