Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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