i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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