ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
