I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
id be glad to
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
