Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
