as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
