The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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