so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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