It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
