I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
