maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
