If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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