You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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