swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
