Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
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