I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
