dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
