Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
