Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
