That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
