All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
