Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
