Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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