wat bout pragnant strippers??
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize