I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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