Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
