now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
