Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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