I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
