I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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