I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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