I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
