if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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