So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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