Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
