I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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