So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
