im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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