I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
