oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
