My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I can't put those talents on a resume
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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