Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
