miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
