i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
